I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I... ...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer. Thereisnospacebar.

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.” Lovely man. Terrible cabinet maker.

My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him... He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.